Loving, Tender, Raw, Emotional, Baring and Daring STEPHEN FUTRAL·MONDAY, JUNE 5, 2017 Loving, tender, raw, emotional, baring and daring She encapsulated our relationship With these great and precise words
Of course more can be added But these have a rhythm a cadence That coincides to our dynamic
How are words imbued with deeper meaning than Surface appearances? Only via personal experience of those words, which is what I feel with these words
‘Loving’ oh like never before, perhaps iit’s the distance the love is felt seeping in through the pores into nourishing my cells, organs and mind, there is a knowing
‘Tender’ like the softest velvet gardenia flower so sensitive and caring with an aroma that causes a swooning in delight coming from deep understanding of the pain of humanness
‘Raw’ like having the top layer of skin removed even the air is painful, existence juxtaposed with death in constant awareness of the limitations of time and space indulge the moment
‘Emotional’ we have both cried and understood the pain we cause the other traversing the skandas and ayutanas processing holding on and letting go it all goes deep
‘Baring’ with strength and warriorship the viscissitudes of our minds riding the waves of pain and pleasure gritting teeth and smiling seeing coemergence vividly
‘Daring’ both of us stepping way out of the confines of expectations beyond the norms of societal acceptances beyond approvals surprising each the other living with abandon while being playful as the rug gets pulled out
NUMB STEPHEN FUTRAL·THURSDAY, JUNE 22, 2017 Under the spell of mental numbification We move along our daily paths in avoidance Avoidance of the pain and suffering of truth
Apathy is a result of jaded over stimulation With a dash of fatalism / I mean ‘why bother?’ What will it be like to think and feel
No one wants to step out of the cocoon To transform and adapt to the next stage of growth Preferring to stay comfortable in the status quo
Performing and communicating with the pretense of awareness Yet camoed by the apathy and numbness…avoiding The painful relationships, the sorrow and empathy of The dilemma of humanness the compassion of open heart The horrors of these new age politics as we watch The birth of american neo-fascism as if our hands are tied
Better to hurry up along and progress beyond Beyond the pale of our disheartenment Beyond the discomfort of making friends with ourselves Beyond the concepts and realities of death and dying While remembering we are ALL in the same boat And NO ONE gets out alive….
it wasn’t as if I was waiting waiting for someone to come along it would it could be nice but it wasn’t like that at all
you came out of nowhere serendipitously wandered into my life with no fanfare other than being who you were
we were so in synch so quickly there wasn’t even time to feel a sense of shock
but when you wanted to meet me and drive out here it scared me now I would have to walk the talk
it’s been a year now four visits under our belts and a fifth coming up 2000 miles apart is still 2000 miles apart
when that need for space arises and we are out of communication for a day…or so I feel something is missing part of me is gone my mind wonders and wanders projections hinder and pain manifests
yet there is nothing hidden no agendas no trysts just space without the other inside our heads
how is it that a 70 year old man can feel like a teenager like a protagonist from a romance novel like a soap opera from TV like an artist in love with his muse
I just want you beside me all the time in my heart in my mind in my home in my bed
hey, I am so far from being dead enliven my loins enrich my creative juices sharpen my mind keep me on my toes
you my love have brought me to my knees humbled by your wisdom infatuated with you presence infuriated at times ah, isn’t that so good so passionate so real
and when we come back when there has been enough space it is as exciting as our first meeting like reading the poems you write to me you, the provacoteur the Dakini…I bow
Are you aware of how the moon influences? Can you read the messages you get from the world?
…everything is in flux, tides come in and go out all is interdependent, change is the only constant
…impermanence is all around us death comes without warning beware the jabberwok
(do you feel fulfilled? are you satisfied?) what are you looking for?
is it ever found? can this emptiness be filled (and not with the garbage of mental vicissitudes)
seems all of life is a preparation for death a lesson in impermanence a process of letting go till we have to let go of our bodies
tomorrow is our last day again and will be our last night before another departure and that sense of torture we seem to put ourselves through
this visit was a further unfolding, opening, filled with painful honesties as only a Scorpio Rising can deliver as only she can expose
I am in debt to her as inspiration as the Shakti energy of the Dakini that we, as men, sometimes need
I was sick the entire visit with a phlegm-ridden hacking cough that had me sleeping in a chair most of the time
it made the visit more real in its own way in the way of impermanence and ordinariness in the way of tenderness and lovingness
I think we felt more exposed to and with each other more honest, vulnerable and earthy grounded in ordinariness, we perhaps, came down from the clouds
one can have all the info and uber hip knowledge of how things work of how one let’s go how one opens and staves off attachment yet, in the midst of emotional reality one buys into the broken heartedness